Hello mes droughies! Je sais, ce blog se traîne comme un escargot baveux, faute DE LECTEURS aussi, il faut bien le dire, vilains!
Pourtant j'ai des choses à dire/écrire, et il se trouve justement que depuis février je suis la Bordeaux correspondent du Scottish Independent, un hebdo écossais (no shit) en ligne et bientôt sur papier. Je bosse sur mon 4eme article ces jours-ci, mais pour me lire, comme mon talent (huhu) fait accourir les lecteurs, mes papiers sont behind the paywall, ce qui signifie, en bon anglais (haha) qu'il faut banquer pour lire. Je comprends, le journal ne s'en sortira pas si personne ne subscribe. But:
Pour vous mes chéris, je vais mette ici-même mes écrits scottish. Ca en intéressera certains et certains autres non, of course. Evidemment c'est en anglais, because the Scots speak english. They roll the "r" but they speak english.
Logiquement on va commencer par mon 1er article paru, la liste des clichés que nous ze French on a au sujet des Scots. Le titre a l'air bizarre (il n'est pas de moi) , mais il faut le lire en anglais avec un fort accent français. N'hésitez pas à me donnez vos avis, opinions, critiques bons ou mauvais, dans les commentaires.
AH OUI, IMPORTANT! Mes ami(e)s Facebook, n'en parlez pas là-bas, sinon Mark, mon editor-in-chief, se fâchera tout rouge.
Ready, steady? GO!
Wat-tuh zee Fraanch Theenk of zee Scottishuh
Every country has its stereotypes about the others and their people.
However, we French, notoriously open-minded, benevolent and intellectually curious, make an exception to the rule.
For instance, we don’t assume that the Russians are heavy vodka drinkers, the Americans rude mannered cow-boys, or the Japanese spending their time taking photos. Of course not.
We know that for sure.
This is why when I was asked to enumerate the few things I knew about Scotland and the Scottish it was so easy to answer.
The monster of the Loch Ness
Scotland’s most famous inhabitant is Nessie. Everybody knows that. This giant snake-like beast lives in the depths of a lake, which the Scots call a Loch, God knows why.
Haunted castles
Enough with monsters, now the ghosts. It is well-known that Scotland harbours terrifying ghosts in its numerous dark castles. Myth or reality? This leads us to N° 3.
The Scots are always on the piss
Scottish people not only produce but also drink whisky. A lot. And very often. Question: Has anybody sober ever seen a ghost, let alone a monster in a lake? I don’t think so.
Sean Connery
Apart from Nessie, Sean Connery is the only famous Scottish. No other has ever made anything interesting or popular. I mean, we would be aware of it. And his last name is just so funny in French, haha! Sean Connery has played James Bond, the super english secret agent (?) and later we saw him in “Highlander” on the set of which he made friends with Christophe Lambert, which confirms, if needed, the weirdness of the man. The two are said to have had good laughs going to local bars claiming they were 007 and Tarzan in order to get free drinks. Oh well, booze again…
Scottish men all wear kilts
Everywhere, all the time. Take a walk in a street of any scottish city and you won’t be able to make the difference between men and women. And not only do they were skirts, but they’re naked underneath. How strange is that?
Balmoral
Balmoral is the Scottish residence of Queen Elizabeth. She goes there to hunt deers, drive her Range-Rovers like mad in the countryside, scaring the s**t out of sheep, and hide when her daughter-in-law dies in a car accident. In order to go incognito, when in Balmoral, Prince Charles, though he’s prince of Wales, wears a kilt like the locals. What an insidious device.
Scottish people are greedy
They never want to pay for anything. See that little purse they wear across their kilts? They keep their change in it. So close to their privates that they’re sure nobody is going to try to rob them.
They sing (well) at rugby matches
When a rugby match involves Scotland, the most interesting moment is their national anthem. Hear the crowd sing along “Flower of Scotland” (especially the a cappella part, when the bagpipes fall silent) will give you goosebumps. Zis iz so bioutifoul.
Bagpipes, by the way
It’s the Scottish national instrument, and you will find somebody playing it at the corner of each street, just as well as everybody plays accordion in Paris.
They eat revolting things
Haggis. Oh Lord. Take the envelope of a sheep stomach, stuff it with about all the internal organs of the animal, boil it and bon appétit! They may be good at making and drinking whisky (ha!) but you can’t trust the Scots when it comes to cuisine.
Well it’s about all I can think of about the Scots right now. But it’s already a good beginning to a tourist guide, isn’t it?
Oh, just one more thing: French and Scottish are friends. Yes, they really like each other. Like er, soul mates. Especially at occasions when the common “enemy” is England.
Speak soon my beloved octopusses!
